I was 18 when I met my Mr Big.
It was love at first sight. He had so much charisma, charm and energy and I revelled in it. He was perfect. He was the most beautiful man I’d laid my eyes on.
Luckily for me he felt the same but as well as me, he was laying his eyes on everyone else. He was 25 at the time and was young and frivolous, we both were, which was totally acceptable but somehow made me feel inadequate when we only spent weekends together. My heart pined for him all week and I was satisfied, once again when saturday night came.
He taught me things I’d never experienced before. He influenced me musically like no one else ever did. He is, to this day still responsible for my music collection and I was in awe of his creativity and passion. Our sex was out of this world and it got better and better and better as the weekends went on!
So what happened you’re probably thinking?
Well the weekends got more frequent , then they got less when he constantly used to back off whenever things started looking that bit more serious! we were young after all.
I persisted with him for three years on and off I tried to find other men to distract me but it was never the same. I always ended up back with him. His friends warned me off him but I wouldn’t listen and I finally got to a point when I said enough was enough, he was sleeping with other people and I couldn’t handle it. I wanted him more than he wanted me, I was in love with him he wasn’t in love with me. So I eventually gave up and moved on! My heart was broken ten fold and I moved away to try to forget about him and live my life. But when you have a connection so strong with someone, I don’t think it ever goes away.
However we were young, I never expected a ring, just monogamy but this was unrealistic. I was never enough for him.
So what happened in between? Years past and we distanced ourselves from each other, I think he did start to fall for me when I grew up and finally moved on, but then he did too! We both met and fell in love with other people.
Until recently when we both became single again and yes, the spark was still there. At a friend’s wedding I caught him staring at a women in the way he did me and it made me and it made me jealous I thought there he goes again, same old Mr Big trying to sleep with any attractive girl who came his way. But I didn’t let this stop me from having another look inside the door! He did leave with me that night after all.
I had him on a pedestal yet again, wanting him and being fully there, available stood in front of him wanting to be loved…………..again
But nothing happened, it wasn’t quite the same, I did have my guard up because I couldn’t possibly fall for this guy yet again to only be let down.
A few months past and I couldn’t quite shake my feelings and emotions so I confronted him yet again, what did I possibly have to lose but a bit more dignity after all these years! He said “The one thing I love about you is you accept me for who I am” which I always did, but he had unfinished business with his ex so yet again I was “on his list” but not a priority.
This was just over a year ago and I have finally left it there. We did speak about the “what if’s” and “never say never” and I still believe he may have feelings for me today.
I think he now realises I could have been the one, but I got away. He had his chances and now I feel like I’m stood on the shore watching his boat sail away.
I still think “what if” now and I’m sure he does too but would it really ever work? would I ever be enough for him? I don’t think I would and I don’t think he would be enough for me now I’ve grown up and realised what I want from life.
I gave my Mr Big 10 years on and off. I was there in love with him, waiting for him to say those three words back but they never came and he never wanted me like I did him.
You remember that scene in Sex and the city where he drives off after pulling up outside the church? Realises what he’s doing and turns back around? My guy never turned around in the end.
I never got get my “Carrie Bradshaw” ending but I did gain a best friend and one I’ll have forever.