Dating After Divorce

The latest reports from the Office of National Statistics shows us 42% of Britons file for divorce. Like most life experiences, they can happen unexpectedly and we are not always mentally and emotionally prepared for what is to come. Some of us, like myself, have a relatively easy divorce, your decree absolute is through the door within a year and your only arguing over the white goods. However thousands of pounds later after numerous court visits battling children, houses and cars is somewhat exhausting and distressing.

No divorce is simple unless you’re Britney Spears and it’s annulled  in seventy-two hours.

Every divorce is different, however it is what you choose to do afterwards that really matters.

After all the anger, hatred and bitterness has been laid to rest, you start the process of emergence into the next cycle of your life. It requires you to adjust your thinking about yourself and others and to shed a layer of your ego-filled defenses and to let go of anything that stops you being less than who you are. It’s time to explore. It’s time to meet people. It’s time to go out and finally start having some fun.

Start by brushing up on your social skills. If you have been married for a long time, interacting with new people and dating again may seem daunting at first. Joining social networking and online dating sites can be great first place to start. It gives you the opportunity to make new friends and to get dates. Seeing if you share similar views and interests with someone first gives you great grounds for a first date, you will feel more confident and have plenty to talk about.

Plan a few nights out with your friends and stick to them. It gives you something to look forward to and get excited about. At this stage you need all the help and support you can get so you need to stay active within your social circle.

Go get a haircut! You’re not trying to be someone you’re not here, yes, if your daring go for the chop, but a simple cut and even colour can make you feel more confident, polished and ready to go. You will automatically radiate when you feel good about yourself. Same goes for make-up. If your stuck in a rut with the same old blue eyeshadow or pink lipstick go to a make-up counter and ask for looks to suit you and tutorials on how to apply it. You’ve worked on your inner self, it’s time to work on your appearance. The same goes for your wardrobe. Buy a few key items that you can mix up for drinks after work with the girls and for that all important first day. First impressions really do count.

When you finally get your chance and you’re making your way to your first date, remember this……………….. keep conversations light and friendly. Do not discuss your previous partners, painful divorce, religion or politics. These are not subjects your date will be interested in hearing.

And last but not least do not sleep with your date on the first night, this is just as bad as falling in love after twenty minutes and trying to make it marriage number two!





Ex and the City

So, after you break up with your partner, or vica versa, you need to be prepared to see them with someone else! it’s life!

We all move on one way or another and eventually if you live in a small city like I did you’ll bump into them somewhere. Or if you’re really lucky they will befriend your social circle and there will be no escape!!

One of the first nights I went out as a single lady, it was Halloween and I dressed up as Black Swan, with my Vampire nun slut bestie in tow! It wasn’t until I got near the door of the bar we were meeting in for the party that I turned to her and said “No, you don’t think my ex will be in here do you?” we both laughed at the thought and trotted in to the bar.

“Excuse me love can I get past you” I said trying to get past this guy

And there he was, I was saying excuse me to my ex husband dressed as a fucking swan and sober as a judge!

But do these things really matter?

No, of course they don’t especially if you’re the one doing the breaking up, and really I looked fabulous even though I was a swan!!

He looked at me with disgust, after all I’d broken his heart and I was under the same roof as him! Can you really escape your ex in such a small city? The answer is yes as I’ve made it my mission to distance myself from him, his friends, my friends he befriended and start my new life with some amazing new people.

It can be cutting to see the one you once loved out with his friends or for that matter with his new girlfriend…………the one he choose ever so carefully in my “acquaintance” circle. But for me, not one pang, not one at all! Because I moved on and cut him out the second I closed the door!

Now for those who got dumped, it does get easier! Time really is a healer! You will soon start to realise he looks more unattractive every time you bump into him, he’s acting a dick in front of his friends to secretly get your attention (stating he’s clearly not over you) and you’ll wonder what you were doing with him in the first place. The best one I think is when he’s down graded…….now this does make you feel so much better because really he can’t do better than you!!!

Never run and hide, never make your friends make you leave a bar because they spotted him with someone else, he’s an ex for a reason, keep your head high, stay strong, and don’t look at him, as he doesn’t deserve your attention!

We all have ex’s, so embrace the now, the future and don’t look back…….the reflection in the rear view mirror is not one we wish to hold on to!!!


Separation & Solitude

Tell me, where would you go after a separation? bed for a week? straight to the bar? your friend’s house??? I choose to leave on a flight to Bermuda to stay with my parents to escape and to avoid my one year anniversary!

It was the best decision I made, following the leave of my husband!

Time for me to reflect on the bombshell I just dropped and to have the classic “me time”. Solitary confinement was all I needed and for two weeks I got just that.

My anniversary, well I spent it with my cousin and new people I met on a boat in the middle of the atlantic ocean, with about five hundred other boats and thousands of people partying all day. I don’t particularly like the sea, if I can’t see whats around my feet I’m not happy, but did I care? did I hell! I couldn’t have spent the day better than I did. Yes, I had some moments “this time last year I was walking down the aisle” “we would have been having our first dance” but right there in that moment I couldn’t have been happier.

Sand and Solitude        

I believe it’s natural to reflect on your actions, it makes you grow and develop as a person and I did just that. Hours laying on the beach documenting my thoughts and learning more about myself and where I went wrong in my marriage.

I wanted to be free, the free spirit that I was before I “became one” within my marriage. Many people lose sight of who they are as a person, as a wife or husband and as a lover. Insecurities creep out, sex becomes less and communication stops. This can all be prevented if you truly love one another and you’re willing to work at it which most people I find don’t. They end up resenting one another and continue in an unhappy marriage. I say do something about it!

If you’ve read my previous blogs you will have seen it was my choice to leave my husband because, as sad as it was, I fell out of love and I wasn’t prepared to go through counselling and all the rest of it because it was salvageable.

I remember crying on my sisters shoulder saying “I just want to love him”

Going to Bermuda, I learnt and clarified a few things:-

-you can’t make yourself love someone (even if you have before)

-you need to learn to be happy with yourself, flaws & all & you should never take on someone else’s insecurities or let them reflect them on to you

-and last but not least to never depend on someone or something external to you as a necessary condition for your happiness

S & S


Is there ever a right time to leave the one you love?

If you’re in an unhappy relationship or marriage do you stay? Do you stay because of your kids? Do you stay because you cannot muster up the courage to leave? you don’t want to hurt him/her? what is your reason?

My reason was because I fell out of love so I left, I didn’t want to stay in an unhappy marriage. I said fuck it (like the book f**k it) and left because I was miserable. Marriage was not for me or I married the wrong man I’m still trying to work that one out!!

I never had much faith in marriage as I came from a broken family and this stuck with me from the age of 10 when I heard my dad say the words ” I no longer love your mum and I am leaving”  At that moment I hated him for ruining our family, however years later when you grow up, gain a personality and have a better understanding of life, hate becomes a strong word and you realise people do things for good reasons. I don’t hate my dad and I never did, I just held him responsible for breaking up a happy home with clarity as to why.

I felt exactly the same as he did. trapped in a loveless marriage (on my side) wanting different things from life and for me an age gap of ten years that did prove to be a problem. We all have our reasons! I thought I had seen the world by 22 years old and was ready to settle with a strong Yorkshireman I loved and adored but I was wrong.

Falling out of love with someone happens (in some cases) as easy as it was to fall in love in the first place. Numerous things caused me to fall out of love but I did something about it!

Do you stay, put in the commitment, have marriage counselling, have kids and carry on? Or do you admit to yourself you are unhappy, not willing to work at it anymore because you plain and simply do not love him anymore!

I choose the latter, because for the first time in my life I thought and went with my heart and not my head! I have always been pragmatic and I told myself numerous times “you have only just got married, work at it” marriage is bloody hard work and its about trust, loyalty, compromise and communication amongst other things but that was not what my heart was telling me to do.

My heart told me to leave, live my life and find happiness. All we want is be happy right?

I strongly believe whether or not your 28 or 48, kids or no kids, you need to follow your heart!

Ask yourself are you happy?

Do you really want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness? putting up with their insecurities? Continue dealing with day-to-day arguments and confrontations? Treading eggshells? Receiving the wrath or your partners temper? Being controlled? Compromising your life? I think the answer would be no!!

Whatever it may be that is restricting you to live your life and be happy………In the good and true words of Major Lazer GET FREE!

What have you got to lose? Ok so your questioning, who gets the house? who gets the dog? where would I live? Child support? what would my parents think? what would my friends think?

If these questions are going through your head you are simply being weak and putting up barriers to not leave! You are not been true to yourself! You are making excuses which are standing in the way of your happiness.

We only have one life, so make the most of every day. Don’t live in the past, don’t plan the future live for now and today, as tomorrow may never come.

Yes it may be hell in the process, as I soon discovered. I did not get to leave unscathed!  Like me you may end up with no friends, no house, no dog and not a penny to your name but the day I left I knew I had made the right decision and started my new life from the moment I left with my clothes some cd’s, a cushion and some bedding. I was happy with that because I knew the pain I was causing both of us was finally over (well almost) unfortunately weather or not your marriage ends civil or a disaster you’re going to have to be strong to put up with the shit that follows. This is all temporary. Everything is in life. But you will get where you want to be……….eventually after crying a lot, possibly drinking and smoking the world, dipping in and out of depression through lack of food and going through months of seeing divorce papers flying through your letterbox.

As I said before, you will not leave unscathed, so be prepared for that, be strong, stick with your decision and never look back, move forward and progress as a person……………

But, I can categorically say the grass is greener…………… just need to water it with love