Dating After Divorce

The latest reports from the Office of National Statistics shows us 42% of Britons file for divorce. Like most life experiences, they can happen unexpectedly and we are not always mentally and emotionally prepared for what is to come. Some of us, like myself, have a relatively easy divorce, your decree absolute is through the door within a year and your only arguing over the white goods. However thousands of pounds later after numerous court visits battling children, houses and cars is somewhat exhausting and distressing.

No divorce is simple unless you’re Britney Spears and it’s annulled  in seventy-two hours.

Every divorce is different, however it is what you choose to do afterwards that really matters.

After all the anger, hatred and bitterness has been laid to rest, you start the process of emergence into the next cycle of your life. It requires you to adjust your thinking about yourself and others and to shed a layer of your ego-filled defenses and to let go of anything that stops you being less than who you are. It’s time to explore. It’s time to meet people. It’s time to go out and finally start having some fun.

Start by brushing up on your social skills. If you have been married for a long time, interacting with new people and dating again may seem daunting at first. Joining social networking and online dating sites can be great first place to start. It gives you the opportunity to make new friends and to get dates. Seeing if you share similar views and interests with someone first gives you great grounds for a first date, you will feel more confident and have plenty to talk about.

Plan a few nights out with your friends and stick to them. It gives you something to look forward to and get excited about. At this stage you need all the help and support you can get so you need to stay active within your social circle.

Go get a haircut! You’re not trying to be someone you’re not here, yes, if your daring go for the chop, but a simple cut and even colour can make you feel more confident, polished and ready to go. You will automatically radiate when you feel good about yourself. Same goes for make-up. If your stuck in a rut with the same old blue eyeshadow or pink lipstick go to a make-up counter and ask for looks to suit you and tutorials on how to apply it. You’ve worked on your inner self, it’s time to work on your appearance. The same goes for your wardrobe. Buy a few key items that you can mix up for drinks after work with the girls and for that all important first day. First impressions really do count.

When you finally get your chance and you’re making your way to your first date, remember this……………….. keep conversations light and friendly. Do not discuss your previous partners, painful divorce, religion or politics. These are not subjects your date will be interested in hearing.

And last but not least do not sleep with your date on the first night, this is just as bad as falling in love after twenty minutes and trying to make it marriage number two!





The Three Month Rule

I believe you know after three months if you can potentially fall for someone or not. I know it actually takes years to truly know someone and really fall in love but as your little love affair hits 90 days you’re sure to know if it could develop into love, if it was just lust or if you were unfortunate enough for it to be one-sided and dating a commitaphobe!

So your new exciting relationship starts with first dates. Those trips to the cinema and romantic candlelit dinners, this then leads us to going around each others houses having food and watching dvd’s, then eventually we have sex and start staying over. You will also encounter the meet of one another’s friends, maybe even a small trip, then usually by this point we’re either still really excited and can see something developing or we’re bored as hell of one another and totally over it.

I’ve experienced this enough times and for me it has usually ended just before or on the 90th day! You can start to see the same pattern developing. There has been around three people I’ve ever been bothered about after this time, I married one of them and the other two did not reciprocate the same feelings. This is beyond disappointing. To feel so much for the other person and they don’t feel the same back. You have to face reality, pick yourself up and move onto the next. Persisting is pointless, yes you may have great sex and enjoy one another’s company, but if one of you wants more it will never work, you’ll drag it out and waste your time.

So the next time you find yourself a new sweetheart put this to the test. Gage if the relationship has potential, see if you could see yourself with this person for longer than three months or see if it starts to fizzle out to nothing. Sometimes we can exhaust all there is to do in such a little space of time but this time is crucial as to what will happen next.

Do not waste your time on someone who doesn’t feel the same, you’re just bored of or he/she doesn’t do it for you.

Do not be weak, end it…………………..Or continue and watch your new relationship blossom into something amazing.

The Sextator

Spectator:–  a person who looks on or watches; onlooker; observer

Sextator;-  a man who watches; looks at, too much porn

So men are probably thinking they can never watch too much porn. But they can when it starts to interfere with your relationship.  I have read numerous self-help books which teach us that men and women think differently in regards to sex. When it comes to porn, getting mens perspectives, reading these books and experiencing things for myself, I now have more clarity as to why men watch porn and sometimes to excess and not with their partners.

Its voyeuristic, they need visuals. It is a form of escapism and instant gratification. He sleeps with you all the time, he doesn’t want to masturbate over you too. Men have different sexual drives to women, they like to have variety and there is so much out there to choose from online, we after all, can’t always be porn stars in the bedroom! His mind can wander and the stresses and sometimes uncertainties in life seem so far away when he hits his favourite predictable porn site that he can control.

When we masturbate we think of when we last had sex and other scenarios we make up in our heads, they need to see it happening it’s simple! They don’t care what she looks like most of the time, they can be envisaging us doing it to them (so don’t go dying your hair when you find he’s been looking at busty brunettes) he just wants to see all that variety right there on youporn.

You may think, ok, let’s make videos together…………..wrong you’re wasting your time, when you go to work, pop to the shops, pick the kids up, god forbid take a nap, he’s gonna load up incognito browsing and wank his little heart out to something else. Yeah we all remember that Windows 8 advert “when you’re trying to find that perfect gift for the one you love, go private browsing so she can’t see what you’re buying” come on, seriously? what a way to advertise stealth porn browsing!!!

It can divide our relationship. We either hate our partners watching it, or we join them. If we don’t, this is when it can become a major problem. Women feel cheated on. They watch it when we are pregnant etc we catch our partners and we automatically think what is wrong with us?  The answer is nothing is! Would you rather him watch porn or be out cheating on you?  It is only visual remember this!! You can never, ever stop a man from watching porn they are programmed differently to us, it is something we need to accept. And please don’t be naive when your partner tells you he isn’t “you’re all the porn he needs”………he’s lying. I’d say embrace it, it won’t change. You can never change a man so don’t start to try. I’d say jump on board and start watching some big cocks and put that smile right back on your face where it belongs!! It isn’t disgusting or degrading to women, we all have sex right??! (most of us just don’t record it for all to see)

However I would say this, if he spends more time watching porn than sleeping with you, this is when there could be a problem. Your insecurities have probably taken right over and your so hung up on him watching it, your sex has dwindled into the oblivion and he spends more time in the bathroom or in his office in front of his computer than he does with you.

I’m no councillor but if it has reached this stage you’re with a raging, greedy sex addict (who’s also probably cheating) and the best thing you can do is leave him with his subscription to Brazzers and take you’re vagina elsewhere.

My “Mr Big” Journey

I was 18 when I met my Mr Big.

It was love at first sight. He had so much charisma, charm and energy and I revelled in it. He was perfect. He was the most beautiful man I’d laid my eyes on.

Luckily for me he felt the same but as well as me, he was laying his eyes on everyone else. He was 25 at the time and was young and frivolous, we both were, which was totally acceptable but somehow made me feel inadequate when we only spent weekends together. My heart pined for him all week and I was satisfied, once again when saturday night came.

He taught me things I’d never experienced before. He influenced me musically like no one else ever did. He is, to this day still responsible for my music collection and I was in awe of his creativity and passion. Our sex was out of this world and it got better and better and better as the weekends went on!

So what happened you’re probably thinking?

Well the weekends got more frequent , then they got less when he constantly used to back off whenever things started looking that bit more serious! we were young after all.

I persisted with him for three years on and off  I tried to find other men to distract me but it was never the same. I always ended up back with him. His friends warned me off him but I wouldn’t listen and I finally got to a point when I said enough was enough, he was sleeping with other people and I couldn’t handle it. I wanted him more than he wanted me, I was in love with him he wasn’t in love with me. So I eventually gave up and moved on! My heart was broken ten fold and I moved away to try to forget about him and live my life. But when you have a connection so strong with someone, I don’t think it ever goes away.

However we were young, I never expected a ring, just monogamy but this was unrealistic. I was never enough for him.

So what happened in between? Years past and we distanced ourselves from each other, I think he did start to fall for me when I grew up and finally moved on, but then he did too! We both met and fell in love with other people.

Until recently when we both became single again and yes, the spark was still there. At a friend’s wedding I caught him staring at a women in the way he did me and it made me and it made me jealous I thought there he goes again, same old Mr Big trying to sleep with any attractive girl who came his way. But I didn’t let this stop me from having another look inside the door! He did leave with me that night after all.

I had him on a pedestal yet again, wanting him and being fully there, available stood in front of him wanting to be loved…………..again

But nothing happened, it wasn’t quite the same, I did have my guard up because I couldn’t possibly fall for this guy yet again to only be let down.

A few months past and I couldn’t quite shake my feelings and emotions so I confronted him yet again, what did I possibly have to lose but a bit more dignity after all these years! He said “The one thing I love about you is you accept me for who I am” which I always did, but he had unfinished business with his ex so yet again I was “on his list” but not a priority.

This was just over a year ago and I have finally left it there. We did speak about the “what if’s” and “never say never” and I still believe he may have feelings for me today.

I think he now realises I could have been the one, but I got away. He had his chances and now I feel like I’m stood on the shore watching his boat sail away.

I still think “what if” now and I’m sure he does too but would it really ever work? would I ever be enough for him? I don’t think I would and I don’t think he would be enough for me now I’ve grown up and realised what I want from life.

I gave my Mr Big 10 years on and off. I was there in love with him, waiting for him to say those three words back but they never came and he never wanted me like I did him.

You remember that scene in Sex and the city where he drives off after pulling up outside the church? Realises what he’s doing and turns back around? My guy never turned around in the end.

I never got get my “Carrie Bradshaw” ending but I did gain a best friend and one I’ll have forever.


Men are from Mars and Women Need more than a Penis

This saying came to me whilst discussing sex yesterday with my friend.

We spent the majority of the day talking about women and men’s expectations in a relationship, our perspectives, views on threesomes, and how women generally think differently to men!

He thinks there should be one penis in a threesome, I think there should be two!

He says our mental state changes after we finally have sex, I say we start to get attached!

He says we like to enjoy the moment not discuss it, I say we need to communicate!

But funnily enough we both agreed on (part of) the threesome. Yes it’s fine when you’re single free and fabulous but do we actually agree on when in a relationship it’s just not the one?

One thing we did seem to agree on is how it made us feel, he said;

“but my problem is afterwards, my moment of realisation, i’d give the ultimate headshake and as a result think of some derogatory terms in my head I thought of her, then i’d have to leave”

For me it was;

” I’m happy with sex with one person, when you have an amazing connection there is no need to bring someone else into the equation, watching someone I loved or just cared about have sex with someone else in front of me I think i’d actually feel sick. Then afterwards your going to be wondering, did he prefer having sex with her? Was she better than me? he looked like he was enjoying it!

Our answers really are the same, but at the same time, look how different they are, women analyze everything so much more than men do, this is a fact!

I think we both could agree on you either have to have an open relationship, get off on watching your partner having sex with someone else or your relationship be absolutely fucking miserable and be blatantly over.

Our mental state is different, he had a point, we need emotion, communication, reassurance and affection, If a man told us he loved us once, he’d be happy he told us and then we’d know right? Wrong we need to be told almost every day, after that mind blowing sex you had in the morning, before he leaves for work and after you make him breakfast.

Ok so he tells us again on valentines………………that’s not enough!

So when we are seeing someone, do things really change after you have sex?

” No we’re just enjoying the moment and the time together why complicate things” were his words, mine again, differed;

“yes because usually we start to fall for you more, we get jealous when you start texting other girls and we want you all to ourselves we’re not complicating things we simply just want monogamy”

We want to talk about everything, where as men do not! or when it is talked out we still get more attached than they do and we “try move goal posts mid match” to complicate things. This is where nine times out of ten things start to fall apart, ladies, it’s our downfall, we think and talk too much!

So why can’t we just go with it like what men do and enjoy the time we spend together when it happens? After all we are still getting the D right? why mess it up and go back to our rabbits? The answer is no we can’t, because we need more! we need commitment, we need trust, honesty, communication and monogamy………even if it’s for 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 years!

Can we really ever be happy with just a penis?

Peter Pan generation

We’re living in a valley of thirty something guys (and girls) who are trying to the stretch the boundaries of adulthood for as long as possible. It’s like we’re living in a playground and don’t want to grow up to and face the responsibilities life now has to throw at us! We are living in the Peter Pan generation!

How many of you are stuck in Neverland? Avoiding mortgages, marriage and children?

I think I can categorically say I am, after getting divorced, selling my house and going back to playing Wendy, with Michael and Peter flying through the window to have some fun in never-never land! Now I’m not saying never-never again, but for now, can we say we are truly happy avoiding settling down and not following in the guided footsteps of our parents?

I think we can! We’re in a different generation to them. We are programmed to find love, find a house, get married, have children and live happily ever after, but really, we are happy to not grow up any time soon. We flit from job to job, person to person and avoid any kind of commitment and responsibility. Are we basically saying fuck it to what should be? or is the society we live in making this almost impossible for us? Honestly how many of you can afford a deposit for house, let alone put a full tank of petrol in your car?

Statistics show women are putting off having children until mid to late 30’s, men are lacking the will to commit, and lets face it, us women are setting bad standards by giving in to one night stands so men think its acceptable to roll that way with the next women they meet! Lets face it we’re to busy getting laid, spending our money on holidays, clothes and going out every weekend than opening a savings account at halifax let alone thinking about a pension with prudential!

Our parents and grandparents would have knocked out all their children by now and be looking to move to a bigger house or build an extension and all we’re building is spliffs!

Women were taught to love, get married and have kids why don’t men get taught the same?? Years ago things were different they couldn’t wait to get married because when they did, they finally got to have sex! Now it’s hard for us to stay monogamous or in a marriage for that matter, take me for example I was married 11 months! Our eyes wander, we feel restricted, trapped and we fall out of love as quick as we fell in and into the arms of the next person with no real commitment.

When will we finally take our green hat and tights off and stop flying about our with friends? When we are forty and alone and still renting? When we’re bankrupt from all the partying and holidays? Or when we realise we have no real career and not achieved our goals?

Is it time to grow the fuck up?!!!

Good on paper, Bad in bed

I use this saying quite often! I love it, because it is usually true!

Good on paper, Bad in bed!!! Now do I really have to spell it out??

Ok, so he earns a lot of money, he has a house, he has a car, what is also known as a “trilogy” but he is terrible in bed!!! and in most cases, has a small penis! However he knows this, so works bloody hard to prove himself or in some cases he doesn’t!

Now you may be thinking I’m being completely cruel but take a minute to think about this, you know you’ve experienced this at some point in your life!!

Ok so, you meet him he takes you out, buys you dinner everything going great. Your either independent and can happily look after yourself, or your happy to be treat like a princess and never put your hand in your pocket, either way he’s a trilogy right, he’s perfect!!

So you’ve now made it to (depending on how easy you are) date 3 or 4. You go back to his amazing apartment with underfloor heating, a bar with every spirit you can name, electric shutters, mood lighting and everything is marble or a shiny surface that you can see your face in and it’s crunch time.  You get on amazingly, you get lost in his kisses, your great at dinner, so sex has to be fabulous right?

Oh how wrong were you! Ok, so it’s not quite the size of a chinaman’s “Mac lipstick” (that’s another blog) but it certainly isn’t what you were hoping for!! Lets be honest it’s a disappointment,  but he tries so hard (or maybe he doesn’t because like his income thinks his penis meets our standards) we have to give him that and I guess you make it work right???

Wrong! ladies let’s be honest all the money in the world still can’t buy a better penis and that’s why he leads with his money and his fancy car and his swanky apartment because he has to compensate in some area other than his nether regions!

Ask yourself this, do you settle for the guy who gives you security? money? a home? a car?  but you have to “train” him up to make him better in bed? (and it may never get better his penis is not going to change is it)?

Or do you take the opposite “Bad on paper, Good in bed” This is usually known as the bad boy who has no real job or income, probably still lives with his mother but you have NEVER EVER had sex as good in your life and yes, he is well endowed and knows each and every little button to press and you never thought you could have sex so good in all your life!!? Yes you have him pictured in your head and you’ve been there and done that right?

But this guy………this is the one who understands you, who makes you laugh, who you can stay up until 7am with, laugh until you cry, talk about every last thing, have no uncomfortable silences, have mind-blowing sex, drink and talk some more and he gets you like no other! Give a shit if he doesn’t have any money,that won’t last forever, neither will living with is mother, you know you’ve found love (and a great penis) when you can sit on the kitchen floor, eat beans on toast, screw your brains out and be the happiest girl on this planet!!

I know who I would choose…………………………

Ex and the City

So, after you break up with your partner, or vica versa, you need to be prepared to see them with someone else! it’s life!

We all move on one way or another and eventually if you live in a small city like I did you’ll bump into them somewhere. Or if you’re really lucky they will befriend your social circle and there will be no escape!!

One of the first nights I went out as a single lady, it was Halloween and I dressed up as Black Swan, with my Vampire nun slut bestie in tow! It wasn’t until I got near the door of the bar we were meeting in for the party that I turned to her and said “No, you don’t think my ex will be in here do you?” we both laughed at the thought and trotted in to the bar.

“Excuse me love can I get past you” I said trying to get past this guy

And there he was, I was saying excuse me to my ex husband dressed as a fucking swan and sober as a judge!

But do these things really matter?

No, of course they don’t especially if you’re the one doing the breaking up, and really I looked fabulous even though I was a swan!!

He looked at me with disgust, after all I’d broken his heart and I was under the same roof as him! Can you really escape your ex in such a small city? The answer is yes as I’ve made it my mission to distance myself from him, his friends, my friends he befriended and start my new life with some amazing new people.

It can be cutting to see the one you once loved out with his friends or for that matter with his new girlfriend…………the one he choose ever so carefully in my “acquaintance” circle. But for me, not one pang, not one at all! Because I moved on and cut him out the second I closed the door!

Now for those who got dumped, it does get easier! Time really is a healer! You will soon start to realise he looks more unattractive every time you bump into him, he’s acting a dick in front of his friends to secretly get your attention (stating he’s clearly not over you) and you’ll wonder what you were doing with him in the first place. The best one I think is when he’s down graded…….now this does make you feel so much better because really he can’t do better than you!!!

Never run and hide, never make your friends make you leave a bar because they spotted him with someone else, he’s an ex for a reason, keep your head high, stay strong, and don’t look at him, as he doesn’t deserve your attention!

We all have ex’s, so embrace the now, the future and don’t look back…….the reflection in the rear view mirror is not one we wish to hold on to!!!


Back in the Game

So as the saying goes “To get over someone, get under someone else”

How do we all feel about this? Is sex the answer to a break up? Do we need to feel the weight of a man? Do we need to feel something we were lacking in our last relationship?

The answer is YES!! Of course we do, we all need sex and if you’re lucky he may spoon you after but lets be honest it makes us feel alive, sexy, and wanted again!!! (Even if you can’t really recall his name in the morning) thats what being single and having fun is all about!

I think the worse thing to do is to go straight into your next relationship. Moving from one person to another is not the one! It shows weakness, neediness and the lack of ability to enjoy your own company!  Having you time and some freedom to do whatever the hell you want is key here.

We need to get back out there and let some gorgeous man show us what we’ve been missing! Lacking confidence? Insecure? No man finds this attractive! So whoever put you down before, shake that shit off because you are fabulous and even though you may still be wiping your tears away, those will pass and when they do, you’ll know you’re ready!

Someone will love your small breasts, love that jelly butt and those curves, not tell us we need to lose weight! And if a man put you down in the first place he definitely wasn’t worth keeping!

Love yourself, your body and how you look, that will project out and men will come running (and some even crawl back out the wood work from years ago) because that one time when a gorgeous man walks by you and he’s looking at you (yes you, don’t look behind you like I did) you’ll realise you are hot, you still have it and you’re ready to be back in the game!


Is there ever a right time to leave the one you love?

If you’re in an unhappy relationship or marriage do you stay? Do you stay because of your kids? Do you stay because you cannot muster up the courage to leave? you don’t want to hurt him/her? what is your reason?

My reason was because I fell out of love so I left, I didn’t want to stay in an unhappy marriage. I said fuck it (like the book f**k it) and left because I was miserable. Marriage was not for me or I married the wrong man I’m still trying to work that one out!!

I never had much faith in marriage as I came from a broken family and this stuck with me from the age of 10 when I heard my dad say the words ” I no longer love your mum and I am leaving”  At that moment I hated him for ruining our family, however years later when you grow up, gain a personality and have a better understanding of life, hate becomes a strong word and you realise people do things for good reasons. I don’t hate my dad and I never did, I just held him responsible for breaking up a happy home with clarity as to why.

I felt exactly the same as he did. trapped in a loveless marriage (on my side) wanting different things from life and for me an age gap of ten years that did prove to be a problem. We all have our reasons! I thought I had seen the world by 22 years old and was ready to settle with a strong Yorkshireman I loved and adored but I was wrong.

Falling out of love with someone happens (in some cases) as easy as it was to fall in love in the first place. Numerous things caused me to fall out of love but I did something about it!

Do you stay, put in the commitment, have marriage counselling, have kids and carry on? Or do you admit to yourself you are unhappy, not willing to work at it anymore because you plain and simply do not love him anymore!

I choose the latter, because for the first time in my life I thought and went with my heart and not my head! I have always been pragmatic and I told myself numerous times “you have only just got married, work at it” marriage is bloody hard work and its about trust, loyalty, compromise and communication amongst other things but that was not what my heart was telling me to do.

My heart told me to leave, live my life and find happiness. All we want is be happy right?

I strongly believe whether or not your 28 or 48, kids or no kids, you need to follow your heart!

Ask yourself are you happy?

Do you really want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness? putting up with their insecurities? Continue dealing with day-to-day arguments and confrontations? Treading eggshells? Receiving the wrath or your partners temper? Being controlled? Compromising your life? I think the answer would be no!!

Whatever it may be that is restricting you to live your life and be happy………In the good and true words of Major Lazer GET FREE!

What have you got to lose? Ok so your questioning, who gets the house? who gets the dog? where would I live? Child support? what would my parents think? what would my friends think?

If these questions are going through your head you are simply being weak and putting up barriers to not leave! You are not been true to yourself! You are making excuses which are standing in the way of your happiness.

We only have one life, so make the most of every day. Don’t live in the past, don’t plan the future live for now and today, as tomorrow may never come.

Yes it may be hell in the process, as I soon discovered. I did not get to leave unscathed!  Like me you may end up with no friends, no house, no dog and not a penny to your name but the day I left I knew I had made the right decision and started my new life from the moment I left with my clothes some cd’s, a cushion and some bedding. I was happy with that because I knew the pain I was causing both of us was finally over (well almost) unfortunately weather or not your marriage ends civil or a disaster you’re going to have to be strong to put up with the shit that follows. This is all temporary. Everything is in life. But you will get where you want to be……….eventually after crying a lot, possibly drinking and smoking the world, dipping in and out of depression through lack of food and going through months of seeing divorce papers flying through your letterbox.

As I said before, you will not leave unscathed, so be prepared for that, be strong, stick with your decision and never look back, move forward and progress as a person……………

But, I can categorically say the grass is greener…………… just need to water it with love