Dating After Divorce

The latest reports from the Office of National Statistics shows us 42% of Britons file for divorce. Like most life experiences, they can happen unexpectedly and we are not always mentally and emotionally prepared for what is to come. Some of us, like myself, have a relatively easy divorce, your decree absolute is through the door within a year and your only arguing over the white goods. However thousands of pounds later after numerous court visits battling children, houses and cars is somewhat exhausting and distressing.

No divorce is simple unless you’re Britney Spears and it’s annulled  in seventy-two hours.

Every divorce is different, however it is what you choose to do afterwards that really matters.

After all the anger, hatred and bitterness has been laid to rest, you start the process of emergence into the next cycle of your life. It requires you to adjust your thinking about yourself and others and to shed a layer of your ego-filled defenses and to let go of anything that stops you being less than who you are. It’s time to explore. It’s time to meet people. It’s time to go out and finally start having some fun.

Start by brushing up on your social skills. If you have been married for a long time, interacting with new people and dating again may seem daunting at first. Joining social networking and online dating sites can be great first place to start. It gives you the opportunity to make new friends and to get dates. Seeing if you share similar views and interests with someone first gives you great grounds for a first date, you will feel more confident and have plenty to talk about.

Plan a few nights out with your friends and stick to them. It gives you something to look forward to and get excited about. At this stage you need all the help and support you can get so you need to stay active within your social circle.

Go get a haircut! You’re not trying to be someone you’re not here, yes, if your daring go for the chop, but a simple cut and even colour can make you feel more confident, polished and ready to go. You will automatically radiate when you feel good about yourself. Same goes for make-up. If your stuck in a rut with the same old blue eyeshadow or pink lipstick go to a make-up counter and ask for looks to suit you and tutorials on how to apply it. You’ve worked on your inner self, it’s time to work on your appearance. The same goes for your wardrobe. Buy a few key items that you can mix up for drinks after work with the girls and for that all important first day. First impressions really do count.

When you finally get your chance and you’re making your way to your first date, remember this……………….. keep conversations light and friendly. Do not discuss your previous partners, painful divorce, religion or politics. These are not subjects your date will be interested in hearing.

And last but not least do not sleep with your date on the first night, this is just as bad as falling in love after twenty minutes and trying to make it marriage number two!

 

 

 

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Dating Site, Dating Shite

OK, so we’re all looking for love aren’t we? Everyone at some point wants to experience love, however after numerous failed dates, nights out and blind dates set up by our friends, we start to believe he/she is no longer out there. Or we have loved and lost so in a bid to find it again, yes, you guessed it, we head to our computers and search for love online. Now there are many reasons people join the world of online dating, to actually find love, constraints in everyday life for example work and kids, for curiosity, desperation, or simply just for some instant self-gratification. After all, numerous profile views, being people’s favourite and receiving messages from strangers does give us an ego boost and lets not forget, hope that there’s someone out there.

“Online dating has become one of the best ways to meet someone and statistics show that one in five relationships in the UK now start on the internet with over 15 million of us being single in the UK alone.” Poppyspage.org.uk I’m not sure what to think of this, as well as scrolling for our grocery’s online where scrolling pages for our next love? Are we consumed with the internet and lost sight of human interaction? Or is this just a great way to find our next partner? I joined a popular dating site to find out for myself!

Women inevitably get inundated with messages. I messaged a few girls (research purposes only) to see what they had experienced on the site and I hate to say it but it seems like we are in a sea of men who don’t know how to approach women. Now I believe most of what they and I received would not come out of a mans mouth if you had met them in a bar. After I joined I received forty-seven views in the space of Twenty minutes, Eighteen messages and seven people favoured me. I received messages what made my mouth drop wide open, some which made me cry with laughter and “Aaahhhh” like I’d seen a new-born baby!! I wouldn’t class “I’d smash your back doors right open” and “Do you like anal” as the best conversation starter. Seriously how do you respond to that? Oh dear and No?! This is where you separate the time wasters to someone who puts effort into a message and is taking it serious. My profile clearly states “I don’t need a man I need a champion” and do not message me saying “Hi/Hey/Hello it’s boring I won’t respond” (look where that got me)!

Men clearly lack the ability to spell and communicate on this site. “Hey up gawjus u luk like ma kinda gurl how u doin? U look like a girl I cud knwo and I’d like swap my numbere if interested we could conversation later?” I could go on…………. This made me question his “bachelor degree”!!!

Half of the people I have conversed with are illiterate, boring or rude. They don’t ask me any questions or appear like they want to get to know me at all.  I have tried to be polite as possible and reply to every single person as I don’t want to come across as rude, but I’ve started to lose the will to live talking to mundane men and my rudest point was telling someone to google what esoteric meant as I simply wasn’t in the mood to explain it and when a guy turned around and said “I’m in loveeeeeeee” I responded with “what, your eyebrows?”(I could never date a man more groomed than me)

So, just when I go to hit the “Delete Profile” button on my account,  a few pleasant messages from men I actually find attractive and have a personality pop up to my surprise. Ok one wasn’t but his message was ten out of ten for effort “Oh come on, please respond, I’d walk across the dry desert with only Vanessa feltz cleavage sweat for water and asparagus for food (and I hate asparagus) to get a date with you” How can you not laugh or respond to that? Various others included “look no further your champion is here” “why are you single” “Can I walk you down the isle” “I may be no champion but I won champion cuddler of the year” and some eager enough to hand out there  phone number on the first message.

I’m not sure online dating is for me, it has been an experience but I would like to find love the old-fashioned way, when I least expect it. I prefer scrolling my rightmove app than scrolling for a man, it made me feel desperate to which I am far from and not ready to find love, however a bit of an ego boost never goes a miss

My conclusion is this, I know I still have it, I need to write a blog for men on “how to approach a women online”, beware of catfish (one guy I spoke to had pulled his image off google) and I’ll let you all know if I’m still alive after my date………………………………………

 

 

 

Bitches Be-Have Don’t Hate

You walk into a bar with your group of girlfriends and apart from heading to the bar, what is the first thing you do? You Hate! You turn to your friend and say “Look at her hair” “Looks at her dress she looks like a slut” “OMG check her brows, and that make-up”

What is wrong with women? Insecure? Envious? or just plain bitchy?

I saw this the other day on Instagram and think it speaks volumes……………….

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We’re threatened by other women, lets face it, therefore we think its appropriate to slate one another. One factor is insecurity, I used to do the same I’ll be honest, now I wouldn’t dream of it! I’m the girl in the toilet who asks you who does your hair, or where your shoes are from, not cussing them out! Lets be honest, it’s cruel and damn right hateful. Kamarang will come straight back at you, test it! The next time you say something nasty about someone take note of what comes back! A drink will get spilled on you when your out, or you will feel the wrath of another girl chatting shit about you…………..it’s not nice is it?

The amount of times I’ve stuck up for my sister or my friends because another women has spoken bad of her hair or dress (when really its bloody fabulous) I cannot count on one hand!!

As the picture states, we should be empowering one another and not being so envious. We are all different, we should embrace that, thin, curvy, blonde, red-head, natural make-up, lots of make-up, whatever it may be we have no right to talk bad about other women.

Another factor is we’re just jealous and envious. We can’t handle the fact she is wearing louboutin’s and we are wearing topshop, she is wearing topshop, we are wearing primark. You get where I’m coming from! We are who we are and if you are wearing primark what the hell is wrong with that? Shame on you if you think “everything” that is what she can afford she’s out with her friends having a good time for gods sake don’t make fun of her shoes. Life is not about luxury and material items it’s about being you and being happy (whatever you are wearing)

Ask yourself why are you jealous of someone else? What are you not happy with?

You should never strive to be someone else, I have learnt this myself. I look at people’s instagrams with their amazing non freckly skin, high cheekbones, big breasts, great eyebrows and hair, why can we not be happy with who we are? I think it’s about being comfortable in your own skin and making the best of what you have! I’m learning to embrace my little actress tits, my roman nose and my wonky brows. My good friend once told me “brows are meant to be sisters and not twins”, I am happy I can get away with never having to wear a bra, and christ, if I changed my nose known my luck I’d end up like Jennifer Grey did (dirty dancing) and be unrecognisable to my family and friends. I don’t need bigger breasts or a straighter nose I am who I am and I am happy with that. Can you say the same? In my opinion people who are constantly changing the way they look and enhancing their lips, breasts, whatever, are not happy with themselves and they are weak. It’s an outlet, as is smoking and drugs. We don’t need to do it! I used to constantly change my hair colour, style you name it because I wanted to appeal interesting and quirky, was scared my partner would look elsewhere or I wasn’t “ontrend”. Looking back this screams insecurity and weakness.

We are strong females who are all fabulous in our own right. The last thing we need to do is start slating one another for what is potentially right or wrong in fashion, hair and make-up. Look for the positives in one another. I used to work for a make-up brand and it may sound cheesy but one of our tag lines was “Look for what you like” It’s amazing when you stop someone and say “Wow where is your jacket from” “What nice glasses you have” I once said to a lady who visited my counter “your hair is to die for”, you know what she turned around and said “really? my friend just said I looked awful today and was ashamed to leave the house with me” I was truly disgusted. She was delighted I paid her a compliment and I wasn’t making it up! Compliments really go far! You actually go back to your friends and tell them the nice things that got said to you, it gives you the confidence boost we sometimes need to make us feel better about who we are!

Ok, so your having a down day and all the problems that are happening at home, or with your partner are truly getting you down. That one comment could just send you over the edge. Think about that the next time your out and about and you start talking nasty (god forbid she hears you) think about how that person would feel! You have no right to comment on someone else’s downfalls and you’ve just sent the poor girl into the well of despair! Well done!

We are who we are regardless of our wardrobe, you need to look inside you and be happy, flaws and all.

In the words of TLC

“You can buy all the make up
That M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel
So damn unpretty,
I’ll make you feel unpretty too”

You have no right to make anyone else feel shit about themselves, next time, think about it!

The Big “O”

Studies show that up to 70% of women do not reach climax through sex, hence why we have become masters at faking! Yes, it is true guys most of the time we fake it because you don’t know our bodies well enough or give it the time to make us come! However it can happen it just takes a bit of patience and the right position.

I’m sure most of us can count the amount of orgasms we’ve had on one hand through sex (if we’re lucky)

We all like to come through sex and not just get banged to high heaven like Alexis Texas does in “Squirting in Seattle” so what the hell is wrong with us? All men can climax through sex whilst we seem to be built differently and it rarely happens for us, after all this is not hollywood!! The inaccurate portrayal of porn and women being in complete ecstasy is so far from the real world.

I believe our lack of orgasms comes down to a few factors;

– the man not really knowing what the hell he is doing, thinking it’s acceptable to have sex with us like porn stars therefore being selfish and just banging the crap out of us

-we don’t feel comfortable enough with our partners or he’s not understanding of our needs

– we’re striving to reach orgasm and concentrating too much to actually relax and enjoy it

– we need more clitoral stimulation which seems almost impossible through sex

– Our bodies are built differently – it’s our anatomy!

It’s hard work let’s be honest (you ladies who come at first thrust mains well stop reading and write your comments at the bottom on what the hell he’s doing right). We start sex as the sexual goddesses we are raring to go in our sexy underwear,  jimmy choos, hair and make-up looking fabulous wanting our explosive orgasm until it takes a drastic turn for the worst, he’s pulled out come all over said underwear, passed you a tissue and passed out. We are left with no hope of an orgasm.

We have to credit the guy who tries for hours but you give in because it’s just never going to happen, if your lucky he’ll go down on you to finish or you go in the bathroom and finish yourself.

I think we need to communicate more with one another. Don’t be scared of doing this, get the sex talk going and tell him what you want. You should know as a women what you need yourself, if you don’t get masturbating and find out what works best for you. It seriously will be the blind leading the blind if you don’t know your own body first! It’s about trying different positions and seeing what works and when it does happen we can thank our lucky stars that nothing is wrong with us we just needed the right penis and position.

For the first time in my life I’ve had orgasms through sex and I wasn’t faking, so it is possible! He knew what he was doing, what I wanted and, was a giver. I think it helps if we feel cared for and loved. The more comfortable and relaxed we are made to feel, the better! Men have a different perspective and don’t need any of these things to come whereas we need that little bit more. Lets be honest who’s ever come through a one night stand?

Could you imagine the frustration a man would feel if he never came through sex? Don’t get me wrong sex is still enjoyable with no orgasm but it gets boring!!! They should take a moment to understand how we feel! You know when you sneeze and it goes away?? Or when you go shopping and just window shop? this is only a miniscule insight as to how we feel……………………

My “Mr Big” Journey

I was 18 when I met my Mr Big.

It was love at first sight. He had so much charisma, charm and energy and I revelled in it. He was perfect. He was the most beautiful man I’d laid my eyes on.

Luckily for me he felt the same but as well as me, he was laying his eyes on everyone else. He was 25 at the time and was young and frivolous, we both were, which was totally acceptable but somehow made me feel inadequate when we only spent weekends together. My heart pined for him all week and I was satisfied, once again when saturday night came.

He taught me things I’d never experienced before. He influenced me musically like no one else ever did. He is, to this day still responsible for my music collection and I was in awe of his creativity and passion. Our sex was out of this world and it got better and better and better as the weekends went on!

So what happened you’re probably thinking?

Well the weekends got more frequent , then they got less when he constantly used to back off whenever things started looking that bit more serious! we were young after all.

I persisted with him for three years on and off  I tried to find other men to distract me but it was never the same. I always ended up back with him. His friends warned me off him but I wouldn’t listen and I finally got to a point when I said enough was enough, he was sleeping with other people and I couldn’t handle it. I wanted him more than he wanted me, I was in love with him he wasn’t in love with me. So I eventually gave up and moved on! My heart was broken ten fold and I moved away to try to forget about him and live my life. But when you have a connection so strong with someone, I don’t think it ever goes away.

However we were young, I never expected a ring, just monogamy but this was unrealistic. I was never enough for him.

So what happened in between? Years past and we distanced ourselves from each other, I think he did start to fall for me when I grew up and finally moved on, but then he did too! We both met and fell in love with other people.

Until recently when we both became single again and yes, the spark was still there. At a friend’s wedding I caught him staring at a women in the way he did me and it made me and it made me jealous I thought there he goes again, same old Mr Big trying to sleep with any attractive girl who came his way. But I didn’t let this stop me from having another look inside the door! He did leave with me that night after all.

I had him on a pedestal yet again, wanting him and being fully there, available stood in front of him wanting to be loved…………..again

But nothing happened, it wasn’t quite the same, I did have my guard up because I couldn’t possibly fall for this guy yet again to only be let down.

A few months past and I couldn’t quite shake my feelings and emotions so I confronted him yet again, what did I possibly have to lose but a bit more dignity after all these years! He said “The one thing I love about you is you accept me for who I am” which I always did, but he had unfinished business with his ex so yet again I was “on his list” but not a priority.

This was just over a year ago and I have finally left it there. We did speak about the “what if’s” and “never say never” and I still believe he may have feelings for me today.

I think he now realises I could have been the one, but I got away. He had his chances and now I feel like I’m stood on the shore watching his boat sail away.

I still think “what if” now and I’m sure he does too but would it really ever work? would I ever be enough for him? I don’t think I would and I don’t think he would be enough for me now I’ve grown up and realised what I want from life.

I gave my Mr Big 10 years on and off. I was there in love with him, waiting for him to say those three words back but they never came and he never wanted me like I did him.

You remember that scene in Sex and the city where he drives off after pulling up outside the church? Realises what he’s doing and turns back around? My guy never turned around in the end.

I never got get my “Carrie Bradshaw” ending but I did gain a best friend and one I’ll have forever.

xx

Peter Pan generation

We’re living in a valley of thirty something guys (and girls) who are trying to the stretch the boundaries of adulthood for as long as possible. It’s like we’re living in a playground and don’t want to grow up to and face the responsibilities life now has to throw at us! We are living in the Peter Pan generation!

How many of you are stuck in Neverland? Avoiding mortgages, marriage and children?

I think I can categorically say I am, after getting divorced, selling my house and going back to playing Wendy, with Michael and Peter flying through the window to have some fun in never-never land! Now I’m not saying never-never again, but for now, can we say we are truly happy avoiding settling down and not following in the guided footsteps of our parents?

I think we can! We’re in a different generation to them. We are programmed to find love, find a house, get married, have children and live happily ever after, but really, we are happy to not grow up any time soon. We flit from job to job, person to person and avoid any kind of commitment and responsibility. Are we basically saying fuck it to what should be? or is the society we live in making this almost impossible for us? Honestly how many of you can afford a deposit for house, let alone put a full tank of petrol in your car?

Statistics show women are putting off having children until mid to late 30’s, men are lacking the will to commit, and lets face it, us women are setting bad standards by giving in to one night stands so men think its acceptable to roll that way with the next women they meet! Lets face it we’re to busy getting laid, spending our money on holidays, clothes and going out every weekend than opening a savings account at halifax let alone thinking about a pension with prudential!

Our parents and grandparents would have knocked out all their children by now and be looking to move to a bigger house or build an extension and all we’re building is spliffs!

Women were taught to love, get married and have kids why don’t men get taught the same?? Years ago things were different they couldn’t wait to get married because when they did, they finally got to have sex! Now it’s hard for us to stay monogamous or in a marriage for that matter, take me for example I was married 11 months! Our eyes wander, we feel restricted, trapped and we fall out of love as quick as we fell in and into the arms of the next person with no real commitment.

When will we finally take our green hat and tights off and stop flying about our with friends? When we are forty and alone and still renting? When we’re bankrupt from all the partying and holidays? Or when we realise we have no real career and not achieved our goals?

Is it time to grow the fuck up?!!!