Dating After Divorce

The latest reports from the Office of National Statistics shows us 42% of Britons file for divorce. Like most life experiences, they can happen unexpectedly and we are not always mentally and emotionally prepared for what is to come. Some of us, like myself, have a relatively easy divorce, your decree absolute is through the door within a year and your only arguing over the white goods. However thousands of pounds later after numerous court visits battling children, houses and cars is somewhat exhausting and distressing.

No divorce is simple unless you’re Britney Spears and it’s annulled  in seventy-two hours.

Every divorce is different, however it is what you choose to do afterwards that really matters.

After all the anger, hatred and bitterness has been laid to rest, you start the process of emergence into the next cycle of your life. It requires you to adjust your thinking about yourself and others and to shed a layer of your ego-filled defenses and to let go of anything that stops you being less than who you are. It’s time to explore. It’s time to meet people. It’s time to go out and finally start having some fun.

Start by brushing up on your social skills. If you have been married for a long time, interacting with new people and dating again may seem daunting at first. Joining social networking and online dating sites can be great first place to start. It gives you the opportunity to make new friends and to get dates. Seeing if you share similar views and interests with someone first gives you great grounds for a first date, you will feel more confident and have plenty to talk about.

Plan a few nights out with your friends and stick to them. It gives you something to look forward to and get excited about. At this stage you need all the help and support you can get so you need to stay active within your social circle.

Go get a haircut! You’re not trying to be someone you’re not here, yes, if your daring go for the chop, but a simple cut and even colour can make you feel more confident, polished and ready to go. You will automatically radiate when you feel good about yourself. Same goes for make-up. If your stuck in a rut with the same old blue eyeshadow or pink lipstick go to a make-up counter and ask for looks to suit you and tutorials on how to apply it. You’ve worked on your inner self, it’s time to work on your appearance. The same goes for your wardrobe. Buy a few key items that you can mix up for drinks after work with the girls and for that all important first day. First impressions really do count.

When you finally get your chance and you’re making your way to your first date, remember this……………….. keep conversations light and friendly. Do not discuss your previous partners, painful divorce, religion or politics. These are not subjects your date will be interested in hearing.

And last but not least do not sleep with your date on the first night, this is just as bad as falling in love after twenty minutes and trying to make it marriage number two!





The Sextator

Spectator:–  a person who looks on or watches; onlooker; observer

Sextator;-  a man who watches; looks at, too much porn

So men are probably thinking they can never watch too much porn. But they can when it starts to interfere with your relationship.  I have read numerous self-help books which teach us that men and women think differently in regards to sex. When it comes to porn, getting mens perspectives, reading these books and experiencing things for myself, I now have more clarity as to why men watch porn and sometimes to excess and not with their partners.

Its voyeuristic, they need visuals. It is a form of escapism and instant gratification. He sleeps with you all the time, he doesn’t want to masturbate over you too. Men have different sexual drives to women, they like to have variety and there is so much out there to choose from online, we after all, can’t always be porn stars in the bedroom! His mind can wander and the stresses and sometimes uncertainties in life seem so far away when he hits his favourite predictable porn site that he can control.

When we masturbate we think of when we last had sex and other scenarios we make up in our heads, they need to see it happening it’s simple! They don’t care what she looks like most of the time, they can be envisaging us doing it to them (so don’t go dying your hair when you find he’s been looking at busty brunettes) he just wants to see all that variety right there on youporn.

You may think, ok, let’s make videos together…………..wrong you’re wasting your time, when you go to work, pop to the shops, pick the kids up, god forbid take a nap, he’s gonna load up incognito browsing and wank his little heart out to something else. Yeah we all remember that Windows 8 advert “when you’re trying to find that perfect gift for the one you love, go private browsing so she can’t see what you’re buying” come on, seriously? what a way to advertise stealth porn browsing!!!

It can divide our relationship. We either hate our partners watching it, or we join them. If we don’t, this is when it can become a major problem. Women feel cheated on. They watch it when we are pregnant etc we catch our partners and we automatically think what is wrong with us?  The answer is nothing is! Would you rather him watch porn or be out cheating on you?  It is only visual remember this!! You can never, ever stop a man from watching porn they are programmed differently to us, it is something we need to accept. And please don’t be naive when your partner tells you he isn’t “you’re all the porn he needs”………he’s lying. I’d say embrace it, it won’t change. You can never change a man so don’t start to try. I’d say jump on board and start watching some big cocks and put that smile right back on your face where it belongs!! It isn’t disgusting or degrading to women, we all have sex right??! (most of us just don’t record it for all to see)

However I would say this, if he spends more time watching porn than sleeping with you, this is when there could be a problem. Your insecurities have probably taken right over and your so hung up on him watching it, your sex has dwindled into the oblivion and he spends more time in the bathroom or in his office in front of his computer than he does with you.

I’m no councillor but if it has reached this stage you’re with a raging, greedy sex addict (who’s also probably cheating) and the best thing you can do is leave him with his subscription to Brazzers and take you’re vagina elsewhere.

My “Mr Big” Journey

I was 18 when I met my Mr Big.

It was love at first sight. He had so much charisma, charm and energy and I revelled in it. He was perfect. He was the most beautiful man I’d laid my eyes on.

Luckily for me he felt the same but as well as me, he was laying his eyes on everyone else. He was 25 at the time and was young and frivolous, we both were, which was totally acceptable but somehow made me feel inadequate when we only spent weekends together. My heart pined for him all week and I was satisfied, once again when saturday night came.

He taught me things I’d never experienced before. He influenced me musically like no one else ever did. He is, to this day still responsible for my music collection and I was in awe of his creativity and passion. Our sex was out of this world and it got better and better and better as the weekends went on!

So what happened you’re probably thinking?

Well the weekends got more frequent , then they got less when he constantly used to back off whenever things started looking that bit more serious! we were young after all.

I persisted with him for three years on and off  I tried to find other men to distract me but it was never the same. I always ended up back with him. His friends warned me off him but I wouldn’t listen and I finally got to a point when I said enough was enough, he was sleeping with other people and I couldn’t handle it. I wanted him more than he wanted me, I was in love with him he wasn’t in love with me. So I eventually gave up and moved on! My heart was broken ten fold and I moved away to try to forget about him and live my life. But when you have a connection so strong with someone, I don’t think it ever goes away.

However we were young, I never expected a ring, just monogamy but this was unrealistic. I was never enough for him.

So what happened in between? Years past and we distanced ourselves from each other, I think he did start to fall for me when I grew up and finally moved on, but then he did too! We both met and fell in love with other people.

Until recently when we both became single again and yes, the spark was still there. At a friend’s wedding I caught him staring at a women in the way he did me and it made me and it made me jealous I thought there he goes again, same old Mr Big trying to sleep with any attractive girl who came his way. But I didn’t let this stop me from having another look inside the door! He did leave with me that night after all.

I had him on a pedestal yet again, wanting him and being fully there, available stood in front of him wanting to be loved…………..again

But nothing happened, it wasn’t quite the same, I did have my guard up because I couldn’t possibly fall for this guy yet again to only be let down.

A few months past and I couldn’t quite shake my feelings and emotions so I confronted him yet again, what did I possibly have to lose but a bit more dignity after all these years! He said “The one thing I love about you is you accept me for who I am” which I always did, but he had unfinished business with his ex so yet again I was “on his list” but not a priority.

This was just over a year ago and I have finally left it there. We did speak about the “what if’s” and “never say never” and I still believe he may have feelings for me today.

I think he now realises I could have been the one, but I got away. He had his chances and now I feel like I’m stood on the shore watching his boat sail away.

I still think “what if” now and I’m sure he does too but would it really ever work? would I ever be enough for him? I don’t think I would and I don’t think he would be enough for me now I’ve grown up and realised what I want from life.

I gave my Mr Big 10 years on and off. I was there in love with him, waiting for him to say those three words back but they never came and he never wanted me like I did him.

You remember that scene in Sex and the city where he drives off after pulling up outside the church? Realises what he’s doing and turns back around? My guy never turned around in the end.

I never got get my “Carrie Bradshaw” ending but I did gain a best friend and one I’ll have forever.


Peter Pan generation

We’re living in a valley of thirty something guys (and girls) who are trying to the stretch the boundaries of adulthood for as long as possible. It’s like we’re living in a playground and don’t want to grow up to and face the responsibilities life now has to throw at us! We are living in the Peter Pan generation!

How many of you are stuck in Neverland? Avoiding mortgages, marriage and children?

I think I can categorically say I am, after getting divorced, selling my house and going back to playing Wendy, with Michael and Peter flying through the window to have some fun in never-never land! Now I’m not saying never-never again, but for now, can we say we are truly happy avoiding settling down and not following in the guided footsteps of our parents?

I think we can! We’re in a different generation to them. We are programmed to find love, find a house, get married, have children and live happily ever after, but really, we are happy to not grow up any time soon. We flit from job to job, person to person and avoid any kind of commitment and responsibility. Are we basically saying fuck it to what should be? or is the society we live in making this almost impossible for us? Honestly how many of you can afford a deposit for house, let alone put a full tank of petrol in your car?

Statistics show women are putting off having children until mid to late 30’s, men are lacking the will to commit, and lets face it, us women are setting bad standards by giving in to one night stands so men think its acceptable to roll that way with the next women they meet! Lets face it we’re to busy getting laid, spending our money on holidays, clothes and going out every weekend than opening a savings account at halifax let alone thinking about a pension with prudential!

Our parents and grandparents would have knocked out all their children by now and be looking to move to a bigger house or build an extension and all we’re building is spliffs!

Women were taught to love, get married and have kids why don’t men get taught the same?? Years ago things were different they couldn’t wait to get married because when they did, they finally got to have sex! Now it’s hard for us to stay monogamous or in a marriage for that matter, take me for example I was married 11 months! Our eyes wander, we feel restricted, trapped and we fall out of love as quick as we fell in and into the arms of the next person with no real commitment.

When will we finally take our green hat and tights off and stop flying about our with friends? When we are forty and alone and still renting? When we’re bankrupt from all the partying and holidays? Or when we realise we have no real career and not achieved our goals?

Is it time to grow the fuck up?!!!

Is there ever a right time to leave the one you love?

If you’re in an unhappy relationship or marriage do you stay? Do you stay because of your kids? Do you stay because you cannot muster up the courage to leave? you don’t want to hurt him/her? what is your reason?

My reason was because I fell out of love so I left, I didn’t want to stay in an unhappy marriage. I said fuck it (like the book f**k it) and left because I was miserable. Marriage was not for me or I married the wrong man I’m still trying to work that one out!!

I never had much faith in marriage as I came from a broken family and this stuck with me from the age of 10 when I heard my dad say the words ” I no longer love your mum and I am leaving”  At that moment I hated him for ruining our family, however years later when you grow up, gain a personality and have a better understanding of life, hate becomes a strong word and you realise people do things for good reasons. I don’t hate my dad and I never did, I just held him responsible for breaking up a happy home with clarity as to why.

I felt exactly the same as he did. trapped in a loveless marriage (on my side) wanting different things from life and for me an age gap of ten years that did prove to be a problem. We all have our reasons! I thought I had seen the world by 22 years old and was ready to settle with a strong Yorkshireman I loved and adored but I was wrong.

Falling out of love with someone happens (in some cases) as easy as it was to fall in love in the first place. Numerous things caused me to fall out of love but I did something about it!

Do you stay, put in the commitment, have marriage counselling, have kids and carry on? Or do you admit to yourself you are unhappy, not willing to work at it anymore because you plain and simply do not love him anymore!

I choose the latter, because for the first time in my life I thought and went with my heart and not my head! I have always been pragmatic and I told myself numerous times “you have only just got married, work at it” marriage is bloody hard work and its about trust, loyalty, compromise and communication amongst other things but that was not what my heart was telling me to do.

My heart told me to leave, live my life and find happiness. All we want is be happy right?

I strongly believe whether or not your 28 or 48, kids or no kids, you need to follow your heart!

Ask yourself are you happy?

Do you really want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness? putting up with their insecurities? Continue dealing with day-to-day arguments and confrontations? Treading eggshells? Receiving the wrath or your partners temper? Being controlled? Compromising your life? I think the answer would be no!!

Whatever it may be that is restricting you to live your life and be happy………In the good and true words of Major Lazer GET FREE!

What have you got to lose? Ok so your questioning, who gets the house? who gets the dog? where would I live? Child support? what would my parents think? what would my friends think?

If these questions are going through your head you are simply being weak and putting up barriers to not leave! You are not been true to yourself! You are making excuses which are standing in the way of your happiness.

We only have one life, so make the most of every day. Don’t live in the past, don’t plan the future live for now and today, as tomorrow may never come.

Yes it may be hell in the process, as I soon discovered. I did not get to leave unscathed!  Like me you may end up with no friends, no house, no dog and not a penny to your name but the day I left I knew I had made the right decision and started my new life from the moment I left with my clothes some cd’s, a cushion and some bedding. I was happy with that because I knew the pain I was causing both of us was finally over (well almost) unfortunately weather or not your marriage ends civil or a disaster you’re going to have to be strong to put up with the shit that follows. This is all temporary. Everything is in life. But you will get where you want to be……….eventually after crying a lot, possibly drinking and smoking the world, dipping in and out of depression through lack of food and going through months of seeing divorce papers flying through your letterbox.

As I said before, you will not leave unscathed, so be prepared for that, be strong, stick with your decision and never look back, move forward and progress as a person……………

But, I can categorically say the grass is greener…………… just need to water it with love

Is escaping the answer?

18 months after I left my husband I find myself sharing a room with two girls and a guy in France doing a ski season! I packed two bags and off I went!

A bold move? An escape? A change of scenery you may ask? well I guess it’s a combination of them all, you can’t run away from any problems that is for sure and I certainly wasn’t trying to!

I needed a change of scenery and to meet new people and I’m as bold and fiery as they come! I grew a massive pair of balls the day I left my husband and got my personality back from what was a shrinking violet in the making. Never again will I let a man control me or be responsible for someone else’s happiness! It’s a cliché line but you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else and be in love! If not it’s a disaster waiting to happen. A disaster which I have experienced numerous times, but never again.

It really is true when people say “have some you time, think about what you want” I’ve learnt so much about myself and can admit when I’m being stubborn, defensive, jealous, self-righteous and for the first time in 28 years I think before I speak because karma is a fucking bitch! I’m a firm believer in Laws of Attraction, you should educate yourself and be aware

I’ve been here for 4 weeks and learnt nothing new about myself so far that I didn’t know already, although it has confirmed I am really private and would rather not wake up in a concrete single bed with a girl if I reach far enough I can touch!

That’s a minimal complaint for where I actually am and what I get to see everyday. Beautiful mountains in the swiss/french alps, fresh air, great skiing, the people and best of all apres ski. I have had moments when I wish I was at home with my best mate drinking cups of tea chatting about our spiritual paths and where we are going to end up next. But I took the bold move and ended up here and I couldn’t be happier with my decision.

Escaping for 6 months upon reflection was the best thing I could have done and all I want to do now is plan my next move.

So if you find yourself with little mates, no job, no house and nothing to keep you where you are, grow those balls and make a bold move, you do actually come to realise you have absolutely nothing to lose and it just adds to your life and a new story to tell.