Court with Communication

Failed dates, should not be seen as “failures”, more so experiences and life lessons. We become more aware of ourselves and of others, the more we interact and communicate with one another through dating or daily life for that matter.

Everyone has different expectations of dating, from how to approach one another, texting, calling, emailing, right up to deciding where is appropriate to go for a first date.

However, communication around the build up to meeting and even when you’ve met I believe is crucial and this is where some of us go wrong.

I am specifying the following as “guidelines” simply because there are no rules.

When you exchange numbers with someone that does not give you a ticket to text harassment! You don’t want to play games and leave it four days to text however the obligitory “Night babe”, “Morning lovely” messages need to go, what have you possibly done in that last 8 hours but sleep? It’s nice and all your probably thinking about is this exciting new person in your life but this is cringe it needs to stop! 

Texting until your nearly on 7% and it’s only early afternoon would put you in Spanish Inquisition territory! Leave all the questions until you actually meet texting is actually very basic and has now been around for years, we all know how hard it is to read and perceive texts, it could put you off one another almost immediately. At least try having some fun and send voice recordings to one another, I now actually do this with most of my friends as my middle finger cannot go as quick as my mouth can, texting has become tedious to me.

Which leads me on nicely just to throw in that even though texting can be boring, let’s all remind ourselves we are actually texting someone and not leave it five or six weeks between texts and think that’s acceptable. I had interactions with a guy recently who did this and thought it was far from strange, it’s not really that hard is it to find a balance between Spanish Inquisition and sporadic? 

Steer clear of asking about marriage and babies, some of us may run to the hills, save this for further down the line, don’t discuss this right away!

We need to learn enough about one another that makes us excited to meet, without overbearing message that can come across needy or smothering.

We all know when there’s something missing, don’t try and work for something that isn’t there. The connection is of upmost importance and without this, you have nothing. 

Listen to your heart, you gut instinct if you like. The people we encounter, I believe are sent to us for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Take pieces of experiences and interactions you have, learn from them and move on with clear intention for next time.
 

 

 

Dating After Divorce

The latest reports from the Office of National Statistics shows us 42% of Britons file for divorce. Like most life experiences, they can happen unexpectedly and we are not always mentally and emotionally prepared for what is to come. Some of us, like myself, have a relatively easy divorce, your decree absolute is through the door within a year and your only arguing over the white goods. However thousands of pounds later after numerous court visits battling children, houses and cars is somewhat exhausting and distressing.

No divorce is simple unless you’re Britney Spears and it’s annulled  in seventy-two hours.

Every divorce is different, however it is what you choose to do afterwards that really matters.

After all the anger, hatred and bitterness has been laid to rest, you start the process of emergence into the next cycle of your life. It requires you to adjust your thinking about yourself and others and to shed a layer of your ego-filled defenses and to let go of anything that stops you being less than who you are. It’s time to explore. It’s time to meet people. It’s time to go out and finally start having some fun.

Start by brushing up on your social skills. If you have been married for a long time, interacting with new people and dating again may seem daunting at first. Joining social networking and online dating sites can be great first place to start. It gives you the opportunity to make new friends and to get dates. Seeing if you share similar views and interests with someone first gives you great grounds for a first date, you will feel more confident and have plenty to talk about.

Plan a few nights out with your friends and stick to them. It gives you something to look forward to and get excited about. At this stage you need all the help and support you can get so you need to stay active within your social circle.

Go get a haircut! You’re not trying to be someone you’re not here, yes, if your daring go for the chop, but a simple cut and even colour can make you feel more confident, polished and ready to go. You will automatically radiate when you feel good about yourself. Same goes for make-up. If your stuck in a rut with the same old blue eyeshadow or pink lipstick go to a make-up counter and ask for looks to suit you and tutorials on how to apply it. You’ve worked on your inner self, it’s time to work on your appearance. The same goes for your wardrobe. Buy a few key items that you can mix up for drinks after work with the girls and for that all important first day. First impressions really do count.

When you finally get your chance and you’re making your way to your first date, remember this……………….. keep conversations light and friendly. Do not discuss your previous partners, painful divorce, religion or politics. These are not subjects your date will be interested in hearing.

And last but not least do not sleep with your date on the first night, this is just as bad as falling in love after twenty minutes and trying to make it marriage number two!

 

 

 

First Message Faux Pas

My latest blog is on Toyboywarehouse.com and it’s titled “First Message Faux Pas” 

Dating Site, Dating Shite

OK, so we’re all looking for love aren’t we? Everyone at some point wants to experience love, however after numerous failed dates, nights out and blind dates set up by our friends, we start to believe he/she is no longer out there. Or we have loved and lost so in a bid to find it again, yes, you guessed it, we head to our computers and search for love online. Now there are many reasons people join the world of online dating, to actually find love, constraints in everyday life for example work and kids, for curiosity, desperation, or simply just for some instant self-gratification. After all, numerous profile views, being people’s favourite and receiving messages from strangers does give us an ego boost and lets not forget, hope that there’s someone out there.

“Online dating has become one of the best ways to meet someone and statistics show that one in five relationships in the UK now start on the internet with over 15 million of us being single in the UK alone.” Poppyspage.org.uk I’m not sure what to think of this, as well as scrolling for our grocery’s online where scrolling pages for our next love? Are we consumed with the internet and lost sight of human interaction? Or is this just a great way to find our next partner? I joined a popular dating site to find out for myself!

Women inevitably get inundated with messages. I messaged a few girls (research purposes only) to see what they had experienced on the site and I hate to say it but it seems like we are in a sea of men who don’t know how to approach women. Now I believe most of what they and I received would not come out of a mans mouth if you had met them in a bar. After I joined I received forty-seven views in the space of Twenty minutes, Eighteen messages and seven people favoured me. I received messages what made my mouth drop wide open, some which made me cry with laughter and “Aaahhhh” like I’d seen a new-born baby!! I wouldn’t class “I’d smash your back doors right open” and “Do you like anal” as the best conversation starter. Seriously how do you respond to that? Oh dear and No?! This is where you separate the time wasters to someone who puts effort into a message and is taking it serious. My profile clearly states “I don’t need a man I need a champion” and do not message me saying “Hi/Hey/Hello it’s boring I won’t respond” (look where that got me)!

Men clearly lack the ability to spell and communicate on this site. “Hey up gawjus u luk like ma kinda gurl how u doin? U look like a girl I cud knwo and I’d like swap my numbere if interested we could conversation later?” I could go on…………. This made me question his “bachelor degree”!!!

Half of the people I have conversed with are illiterate, boring or rude. They don’t ask me any questions or appear like they want to get to know me at all.  I have tried to be polite as possible and reply to every single person as I don’t want to come across as rude, but I’ve started to lose the will to live talking to mundane men and my rudest point was telling someone to google what esoteric meant as I simply wasn’t in the mood to explain it and when a guy turned around and said “I’m in loveeeeeeee” I responded with “what, your eyebrows?”(I could never date a man more groomed than me)

So, just when I go to hit the “Delete Profile” button on my account,  a few pleasant messages from men I actually find attractive and have a personality pop up to my surprise. Ok one wasn’t but his message was ten out of ten for effort “Oh come on, please respond, I’d walk across the dry desert with only Vanessa feltz cleavage sweat for water and asparagus for food (and I hate asparagus) to get a date with you” How can you not laugh or respond to that? Various others included “look no further your champion is here” “why are you single” “Can I walk you down the isle” “I may be no champion but I won champion cuddler of the year” and some eager enough to hand out there  phone number on the first message.

I’m not sure online dating is for me, it has been an experience but I would like to find love the old-fashioned way, when I least expect it. I prefer scrolling my rightmove app than scrolling for a man, it made me feel desperate to which I am far from and not ready to find love, however a bit of an ego boost never goes a miss

My conclusion is this, I know I still have it, I need to write a blog for men on “how to approach a women online”, beware of catfish (one guy I spoke to had pulled his image off google) and I’ll let you all know if I’m still alive after my date………………………………………

 

 

 

Unemployed, Yet Employable

As you open your eyes and roll out of bed unmotivated on a monday morning realising you’re not in a nine to five stuck in traffic, but you are stuck in the que of the jobcentre around midday, you begin to tell yourself “this is all temporary”.

As you wait in line, to then be passed onto the next body who tells you to take a seat until your name is called, members of staff mixed with too many “security” attendants who just loiter, walk around the building like “they have oil wells pumping in their living rooms”. Multi Colored post it notes, forms and filing trays fill up desks with wallflower yet robotic women sat behind them talking to you, a bit like a she’s been programmed by the government. No one wants to actually be there (and those who do I fail to comment) we all want to work and earn money (the majority) but it’s a painful experience when you’ve never really not worked and have more transferable skills than the person actually interviewing you.

How the government expect you to live off £68 a week is beyond me, I would imagine most people are left with around £8 after feeding their drug habit that leaves you with enough for maybe a trip to Greggs and a tram fare! It’s life lessons in itself being unemployed and learning to budget, I couldn’t begin to imagine what I would do being on £1500 a month again. Well actually I do, I’d pay my rent and all my bills, and I’d be left with about £200 if I was lucky with no chance of bettering my skills as I’d have no money or time to study. I’d be paying for my dentist trips and prescriptions amongst the other annoyances that so happily jump up and bite you in the arse. However, sometimes you reach a point in life where you need those things and the jobcentre happens to be the place where you can get it. They can actually help you pay for courses and put you onto people who can help you find a house to which then pay your rent and bills! They offer you minimal weekly money but they can give you the opportunity to better your career. I can also see why people lack the motivation to ever want to work again. Sat in their home, claiming their benefits, free dentist trips and meal coupons not taking advantage of some of the actual things that would help them get a job.

But that is no life, no real life anyway. These things are temporary, a stepping stone, back into better employment and getting a better life for yourself. Over 1.1 million of us are unemployed now in the UK, think how hard it must be for some of those people who have not worked for such a long time to want to go back to work. I think there becomes a point when you lack motivation and aspiration to want to work so I could imagine it would be very easy to get stuck in a depressive unemployed bubble.

This is not any kind of life to sit at home, watch Jeremy Kyle, eat a sandwich and nap. You may be thinking I couldn’t think of anything better, working your 70 hour week, but trust me I have qualifications coming out my arse, I’m not stupid, I’m just bored and unemployed………….yet employable!

 

 

The Well of despair

Sliding down the slippery walls into the well of despair trying to grab on for dear life but the overwhelming feeling of depression comes over you like a wave at sea and your crampons and carabiners fail you miserably as you fall deep into the well and taste the dirt at the bottom!

Dark negative thoughts take over your mind and the struggle becomes unbearable with no light in sight at the end of the tunnel, Christ, you can’t even see a tunnel, you’re in the well miles away from it and all you can see is darkness!

The words “Stressed” and “depressed” are thrown around like “love” and “hate” with no real understanding of how it actually makes you feel and takes over you. No matter what anyone tells you, only you can pick yourself up.

“You’ll be fine” “you’ll sort something out” “it’s not that bad” “there are people worse off” are phrases used far to often by people who don’t truly understand how you feel, have never felt what your feeling or who blatantly don’t care. People have their own issues so you can’t always expect them to care or show any compassion.
You are in this alone. You are in the Ubliet alone and only you can climb your way out!

So it starts with googling the easiest way to kill yourself after you muster out of bed around tea time to smoke a cigarette and then climb back into said bed for the rest of the evening! Food isn’t an option as one of your options was starving yourself when you pressed search and you only have £3 so you need to use that wisely (and your running out of cigarettes)

Your head has totally melted and you can’t think straight. You wonder who you’ll leave behind but your thoughts are so dark you think they won’t really care anyway, so they continue, what if I did this, what if I did that, your thoughts are the darkest and the word positivity doesn’t exist in your head. Everything you have done equals failure.

Your so desperate to get out of the deep dirty well that you try scurry around for the crampons, carabiners and rope but it’s just thick mud around you and they are nowhere to be seen.

So you lay there in the pile of dirt still trying to find them and your finger touches the metal clamp and you grab on for dear life. You manage to lift up your head as a positive, yes, positive thought rushes over you and you think of new ways to rebuild your sorry, miserable life! Your phone beeps and it’s someone who cares, an email comes through from a potential job offer, someone hands you a tenner…….things aren’t looking that bad anymore are they?!

You find the carabiners and another crampon and prepare yourself to stand tall as the rope you were trying to tie into a noose around your neck suddenly looks more appealing to try to throw to the top of the well to get out! As you step into the carabiners and throw the rope high until it latches onto a solid object at the top of the well you pull out the crampons and start to climb. Step by step struggling to grab on ripping fingernails and wanting to give up on every step up, you continue because at the top there is life, a life worth living.

You may not have thought so, and still doubt it, but there is life. There are people at the top looking down at you wanting you to get out. Even if it’s just one or two people stood there, they want you out and that’s all that matters. Someone always cares. You never have no one. You can never rely on anyone or anything external to you for your own happiness but someone will miss you if you do stay in the well of despair and give up. I’m not going to tell you “things aren’t that bad” because they are. Maybe you have no real friends? You have no job? Nowhere to live? No money to feed yourself or your child? But when that one positive thought creeps up on you that’s what gives you some hope! Hope that you will regain yourself, regain good thoughts and see the light at the top of the well.

So, you’re right at the top and you’ve managed to get there all on your own as you roll over the top, breathless and take those first steps out as you see the daylight like your first steps as a child, off-balance but confident you won’t fall back in.

As your lips part, teeth start to show, dimples form and that smiles start to make an appearance, you look back down the well, gather your equipment and throw it back in. You walk away with confidence knowing that your walking free as a bird onto the next exciting chapter of your life and you will never let yourself fall back down again.

Life truly isn’t that bad there are ways out and you can find them. It takes inner strength and a strong fight but in the end you’ll wonder how you ever felt like that in the first place.

It’s like David Bowie said in Labyrinth;

“She’s in the Ubliet, she shouldn’t have got as far as the Ubliet, she should be out by now…………………She’ll never give up.

The Three Month Rule

I believe you know after three months if you can potentially fall for someone or not. I know it actually takes years to truly know someone and really fall in love but as your little love affair hits 90 days you’re sure to know if it could develop into love, if it was just lust or if you were unfortunate enough for it to be one-sided and dating a commitaphobe!

So your new exciting relationship starts with first dates. Those trips to the cinema and romantic candlelit dinners, this then leads us to going around each others houses having food and watching dvd’s, then eventually we have sex and start staying over. You will also encounter the meet of one another’s friends, maybe even a small trip, then usually by this point we’re either still really excited and can see something developing or we’re bored as hell of one another and totally over it.

I’ve experienced this enough times and for me it has usually ended just before or on the 90th day! You can start to see the same pattern developing. There has been around three people I’ve ever been bothered about after this time, I married one of them and the other two did not reciprocate the same feelings. This is beyond disappointing. To feel so much for the other person and they don’t feel the same back. You have to face reality, pick yourself up and move onto the next. Persisting is pointless, yes you may have great sex and enjoy one another’s company, but if one of you wants more it will never work, you’ll drag it out and waste your time.

So the next time you find yourself a new sweetheart put this to the test. Gage if the relationship has potential, see if you could see yourself with this person for longer than three months or see if it starts to fizzle out to nothing. Sometimes we can exhaust all there is to do in such a little space of time but this time is crucial as to what will happen next.

Do not waste your time on someone who doesn’t feel the same, you’re just bored of or he/she doesn’t do it for you.

Do not be weak, end it…………………..Or continue and watch your new relationship blossom into something amazing.

Bitches Be-Have Don’t Hate

You walk into a bar with your group of girlfriends and apart from heading to the bar, what is the first thing you do? You Hate! You turn to your friend and say “Look at her hair” “Looks at her dress she looks like a slut” “OMG check her brows, and that make-up”

What is wrong with women? Insecure? Envious? or just plain bitchy?

I saw this the other day on Instagram and think it speaks volumes……………….

We’re threatened by other women, lets face it, therefore we think its appropriate to slate one another. One factor is insecurity, I used to do the same I’ll be honest, now I wouldn’t dream of it! I’m the girl in the toilet who asks you who does your hair, or where your shoes are from, not cussing them out! Lets be honest, it’s cruel and damn right hateful. Kamarang will come straight back at you, test it! The next time you say something nasty about someone take note of what comes back! A drink will get spilled on you when your out, or you will feel the wrath of another girl chatting shit about you…………..it’s not nice is it?

The amount of times I’ve stuck up for my sister or my friends because another women has spoken bad of her hair or dress (when really its bloody fabulous) I cannot count on one hand!!

As the picture states, we should be empowering one another and not being so envious. We are all different, we should embrace that, thin, curvy, blonde, red-head, natural make-up, lots of make-up, whatever it may be we have no right to talk bad about other women.

Another factor is we’re just jealous and envious. We can’t handle the fact she is wearing louboutin’s and we are wearing topshop, she is wearing topshop, we are wearing primark. You get where I’m coming from! We are who we are and if you are wearing primark what the hell is wrong with that? Shame on you if you think “everything” that is what she can afford she’s out with her friends having a good time for gods sake don’t make fun of her shoes. Life is not about luxury and material items it’s about being you and being happy (whatever you are wearing)

Ask yourself why are you jealous of someone else? What are you not happy with?

You should never strive to be someone else, I have learnt this myself. I look at people’s instagrams with their amazing non freckly skin, high cheekbones, big breasts, great eyebrows and hair, why can we not be happy with who we are? I think it’s about being comfortable in your own skin and making the best of what you have! I’m learning to embrace my little actress tits, my roman nose and my wonky brows. My good friend once told me “brows are meant to be sisters and not twins”, I am happy I can get away with never having to wear a bra, and christ, if I changed my nose known my luck I’d end up like Jennifer Grey did (dirty dancing) and be unrecognisable to my family and friends. I don’t need bigger breasts or a straighter nose I am who I am and I am happy with that. Can you say the same? In my opinion people who are constantly changing the way they look and enhancing their lips, breasts, whatever, are not happy with themselves and they are weak. It’s an outlet, as is smoking and drugs. We don’t need to do it! I used to constantly change my hair colour, style you name it because I wanted to appeal interesting and quirky, was scared my partner would look elsewhere or I wasn’t “ontrend”. Looking back this screams insecurity and weakness.

We are strong females who are all fabulous in our own right. The last thing we need to do is start slating one another for what is potentially right or wrong in fashion, hair and make-up. Look for the positives in one another. I used to work for a make-up brand and it may sound cheesy but one of our tag lines was “Look for what you like” It’s amazing when you stop someone and say “Wow where is your jacket from” “What nice glasses you have” I once said to a lady who visited my counter “your hair is to die for”, you know what she turned around and said “really? my friend just said I looked awful today and was ashamed to leave the house with me” I was truly disgusted. She was delighted I paid her a compliment and I wasn’t making it up! Compliments really go far! You actually go back to your friends and tell them the nice things that got said to you, it gives you the confidence boost we sometimes need to make us feel better about who we are!

Ok, so your having a down day and all the problems that are happening at home, or with your partner are truly getting you down. That one comment could just send you over the edge. Think about that the next time your out and about and you start talking nasty (god forbid she hears you) think about how that person would feel! You have no right to comment on someone else’s downfalls and you’ve just sent the poor girl into the well of despair! Well done!

We are who we are regardless of our wardrobe, you need to look inside you and be happy, flaws and all.

In the words of TLC

“You can buy all the make up
That M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel
So damn unpretty,
I’ll make you feel unpretty too”

You have no right to make anyone else feel shit about themselves, next time, think about it!

The Big “O”

Studies show that up to 70% of women do not reach climax through sex, hence why we have become masters at faking! Yes, it is true guys most of the time we fake it because you don’t know our bodies well enough or give it the time to make us come! However it can happen it just takes a bit of patience and the right position.

I’m sure most of us can count the amount of orgasms we’ve had on one hand through sex (if we’re lucky)

We all like to come through sex and not just get banged to high heaven like Alexis Texas does in “Squirting in Seattle” so what the hell is wrong with us? All men can climax through sex whilst we seem to be built differently and it rarely happens for us, after all this is not hollywood!! The inaccurate portrayal of porn and women being in complete ecstasy is so far from the real world.

I believe our lack of orgasms comes down to a few factors;

– the man not really knowing what the hell he is doing, thinking it’s acceptable to have sex with us like porn stars therefore being selfish and just banging the crap out of us

-we don’t feel comfortable enough with our partners or he’s not understanding of our needs

– we’re striving to reach orgasm and concentrating too much to actually relax and enjoy it

– we need more clitoral stimulation which seems almost impossible through sex

– Our bodies are built differently – it’s our anatomy!

It’s hard work let’s be honest (you ladies who come at first thrust mains well stop reading and write your comments at the bottom on what the hell he’s doing right). We start sex as the sexual goddesses we are raring to go in our sexy underwear,  jimmy choos, hair and make-up looking fabulous wanting our explosive orgasm until it takes a drastic turn for the worst, he’s pulled out come all over said underwear, passed you a tissue and passed out. We are left with no hope of an orgasm.

We have to credit the guy who tries for hours but you give in because it’s just never going to happen, if your lucky he’ll go down on you to finish or you go in the bathroom and finish yourself.

I think we need to communicate more with one another. Don’t be scared of doing this, get the sex talk going and tell him what you want. You should know as a women what you need yourself, if you don’t get masturbating and find out what works best for you. It seriously will be the blind leading the blind if you don’t know your own body first! It’s about trying different positions and seeing what works and when it does happen we can thank our lucky stars that nothing is wrong with us we just needed the right penis and position.

For the first time in my life I’ve had orgasms through sex and I wasn’t faking, so it is possible! He knew what he was doing, what I wanted and, was a giver. I think it helps if we feel cared for and loved. The more comfortable and relaxed we are made to feel, the better! Men have a different perspective and don’t need any of these things to come whereas we need that little bit more. Lets be honest who’s ever come through a one night stand?

Could you imagine the frustration a man would feel if he never came through sex? Don’t get me wrong sex is still enjoyable with no orgasm but it gets boring!!! They should take a moment to understand how we feel! You know when you sneeze and it goes away?? Or when you go shopping and just window shop? this is only a miniscule insight as to how we feel……………………

The Sextator

Spectator:–  a person who looks on or watches; onlooker; observer

Sextator;-  a man who watches; looks at, too much porn

So men are probably thinking they can never watch too much porn. But they can when it starts to interfere with your relationship.  I have read numerous self-help books which teach us that men and women think differently in regards to sex. When it comes to porn, getting mens perspectives, reading these books and experiencing things for myself, I now have more clarity as to why men watch porn and sometimes to excess and not with their partners.

Its voyeuristic, they need visuals. It is a form of escapism and instant gratification. He sleeps with you all the time, he doesn’t want to masturbate over you too. Men have different sexual drives to women, they like to have variety and there is so much out there to choose from online, we after all, can’t always be porn stars in the bedroom! His mind can wander and the stresses and sometimes uncertainties in life seem so far away when he hits his favourite predictable porn site that he can control.

When we masturbate we think of when we last had sex and other scenarios we make up in our heads, they need to see it happening it’s simple! They don’t care what she looks like most of the time, they can be envisaging us doing it to them (so don’t go dying your hair when you find he’s been looking at busty brunettes) he just wants to see all that variety right there on youporn.

You may think, ok, let’s make videos together…………..wrong you’re wasting your time, when you go to work, pop to the shops, pick the kids up, god forbid take a nap, he’s gonna load up incognito browsing and wank his little heart out to something else. Yeah we all remember that Windows 8 advert “when you’re trying to find that perfect gift for the one you love, go private browsing so she can’t see what you’re buying” come on, seriously? what a way to advertise stealth porn browsing!!!

It can divide our relationship. We either hate our partners watching it, or we join them. If we don’t, this is when it can become a major problem. Women feel cheated on. They watch it when we are pregnant etc we catch our partners and we automatically think what is wrong with us?  The answer is nothing is! Would you rather him watch porn or be out cheating on you?  It is only visual remember this!! You can never, ever stop a man from watching porn they are programmed differently to us, it is something we need to accept. And please don’t be naive when your partner tells you he isn’t “you’re all the porn he needs”………he’s lying. I’d say embrace it, it won’t change. You can never change a man so don’t start to try. I’d say jump on board and start watching some big cocks and put that smile right back on your face where it belongs!! It isn’t disgusting or degrading to women, we all have sex right??! (most of us just don’t record it for all to see)

However I would say this, if he spends more time watching porn than sleeping with you, this is when there could be a problem. Your insecurities have probably taken right over and your so hung up on him watching it, your sex has dwindled into the oblivion and he spends more time in the bathroom or in his office in front of his computer than he does with you.

I’m no councillor but if it has reached this stage you’re with a raging, greedy sex addict (who’s also probably cheating) and the best thing you can do is leave him with his subscription to Brazzers and take you’re vagina elsewhere.